While I was "in process" and devouring all of the blogs of the families who had already gone to Kazakhstan, most ended when they brought their child to the apartment. It was like missing the last 10 minutes of a movie mystery. I always thought, this is it?!! Then what??
Here is my then what.....
The second night at the apartment in Astana began the hourly screaming from little Miss. And this went on for 10 weeks - more on that later. I think she must have been terrified waking up and not knowing where the hell she was. Can't blame her. We left for Almaty on Sunday as planned. It was actually sad to say goodby to the apartment, Beehet, and of course Hot Landlord. Beehet had to carry Maya into the airport and to the security entrance because the local people don't approve of Americans adopting their children. Maya screamed the minute we took off. Thank God for a wonderful Kazak woman sitting next to us who calmed her. She looked at her, smiled and said, coo coo, coo coo. I learned this is Peek-a-bo in Russian. She loved it.
In Almaty, we stayed at the Astana International Hotel. I decided to splurge for our last 2 nights and stay somewhere nice. Well....not so much. Teeny tiny room with my bed and the crib leaving little room to move. But only for 2 nights. On Monday we went to the Embassy clinic for Maya's HIV test. In the waiting room we ran into all of our friends from Astana. It was wonderful to see them. We got to compare notes on how our first few days have been. All looked as sleep deprived and shell shocked as I felt. After a while all of our children's fingers were pricked and we left not knowing if we'd see each other again.
Later that day we returned to the Embassy for Maya's exam by the US Embassy Dr. He confirmed that she was perfectly healthy. Nothing alarming at all. Then off to the US Embassy to turn in paperwork. On Tuesday afternoon, back to the Embassy for final papers to enter the US. And once again, all of us from the Baby House were waiting together. All with bigger, darker circles under the eyes. The jubiliant energy we all displayed in Astana was replaced with a lethargic look of....God this is hard. While we were waiting, aside from the most popular topic of discussion..... so are you sleeping?.... was..... do you think you'll do this again? I said, absolutely. I would come back for a sibling for Maya. The response from the rest was mixed. Finally after about an hour and a half Maya and I were called up to the counter. My paperwork was presented and Maya was congratulated on being a US Citizen - so cool.....
Now to the trip home.....GOOD LORD!!!!! Our flight was scheduled to leave Almaty at 3am. We were picked up at 12am. The airport at that hour was packed and the line for our flight a mile long with, once again, all of our friends from Astana on the same line. Again a big reunion and so comforting to know we wouldn't be alone of the flight from Almaty to Frankfurt. There were also many other families from other regions in Kazakhstan on their way home with thier babies. The thought quickly crossed my mind, those poor people on this flight without a child.
We were very lucky that our entire row sat all of our friends. Most of us reserved the bassinets in front of our seats in the bulk head. This would probably have been lovely had Maya slept. She didn't. Not the entire 10 hour flight to Frankfurt. She screamed for most of it. Thank God for all of the other babies - easy enough to hide among someone else's crying.
We landed in Frankfurt, caravaned kids and carry ons for the nearest business class lounge and took over. Over the next 5 hours, our families little by little left for their flights home. Maya and I were last. At least we had our friends for company up until 3 hours before our flight. When John and Jamie (the last of our group) left, all of the built up exhaustion hit me and I fought back tears. We were now totally alone. I hadn't slept in almost 2 days, Maya showed no signs of sleeping, we had 3 hours until the next flight and a 9 hour flight ahead. Not long after reality hit, I met two amazing women that kept us company until we boarded. I never did get their names but forever grateful to them for preventing my melt down.
Approaching our seat I saw that a nice looking German man was seated next to us. He was dressed as man flying on business. I immediately apologized in advance for his trip sucking. Nothing worse than sitting next to a baby and this one is loud. Do you have earplugs? I hope so. He couldn't have been nicer through the entire ordeal. Maya, as predicted, screamed for most of the flight. About 4 hours in, I lost it. I stood with her screaming in my arms in the galley where 2 incredibly compassionate flight attendants took turns with Maya and comforting me. She finally slept the last 3 hours of the flight off and on.
SO......the moral of this story is.....FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.....DO NOT FLY BACK WITH YOUR CHILD ALONE!!!!! I guess if you are lucky enough to have a baby that sleeps it is probably fine, but if not - you're in trouble and need help. Seriously, don't do it alone. Dumbest thing I've ever done. By the way, what I said...oh...30 some hours earlier about coming back for a second?? Not a chance in hell. This is it. Maya's only shot at a sibling is if I marry someone with children. Ok, maybe it is like asking a woman just out of labor if she would have another. I don't know. All I know is 13 weeks later I still say, Hell No!
We landed at DIA and one of the first things that brought tears to my weary eyes was the sound of ENGLISH over the loudspeaker. Once through the first stop of immigration, we were escorted to another immigration desk to hand over our top secret SEALED envelope (I was told repeatedly - DON'T open the package!!!). While waiting to be called up, someone sitting in the same area said, "your daughter is beautiful". That was the first time I heard the words, your daughter.....gave me chills. We were called up, exchange of paperwork and "Welcome to the United States". I touched Maya's feet to the ground and she was official - chills again. Let me just tell you....among all the sentimentality of the moment, the thought continually played in my mind - It's good in America. We are so lucky. Anyone who doubts it should spend significant time in another country. Seriously. Outside the gate, we were greeted by my very dear friend Kathy and her 2 girls. Thank God for them. Kathy got me through the next 2 days until my Mom and Charlie (Grandma and Grandpa) arrived.
The next 10 weeks are a blur. Maya didn't sleep waking up every hour to an hour and half for just about 10 weeks and rarely napping. During her waking hours she would scream with night terrors for anywhere from 20 minutes to 2-4 hours at a time. I really thought I'd lose my mind. I had made an appointment with the International Adoption Clinic at Children's Hospital but wasn't able to get an appointment until the 7th week. The night before she screamed for 4 hours straight. By the 2nd hour I cried right along with her out of frustration and exhaustion. Nothing I did helped her. I found myself getting impatient and twice had to put her in her crib screaming "MA MA", close the door, go to my room, and close my door. I splashed water on my face and cried until I could pull myself together and start over again. Then the guilt set in...what a terrible Mother. She can't help it, she's a baby! Walking into that appointment the next day and seeing all of those Doctors (5 total) I burst into tears (have you noticed I cry a lot in these 10 weeks???) and begged for guidance. They could not have been more helpful. My next big tip - schedule an appointment with the Children's Hospital near you immediately. They spent almost 3 hours with us evaluating her physically and developmentally and for the last 45 minutes talking me through "sleep training". They recommended the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby". Told me what I was experiencing was normal although Maya was the extreme side of normal. It takes most international adoptees up to 3 months to get into a regular sleep routine. When we bring them home they are like newborns needing to establish all new sleep patterns. They need to learn to self soothe. In Maya's case they told me to expect more like 5-6 months. I about fell out of the chair. The good news was physically and developmentally, she is perfectly healthy and right on track.
I left armed with information and determined to master this. Bought the book (the latest in my expansive library of sleep books) and created a strict schedule for her - naptime is to be no less than 45 mins even if she doesn't sleep she needed to learn that this is rest time, moved up bedtime to 7:15pm, created rituals 30 mins prior....did it all by the book. No luck. Fortuantely, about 1 week later all of our "Astana Parents" got back in touch with a string of emails catching up. Another family sounded like they had the same experience. I emailed them and they told me what worked for them after only 2 weeks. So we did it. My Peditrician had recommended this as well earlier but I was hesitant. The idea is to get them to learn to self soothe. Let's face it - up until then, I was her security blanket. Now this is not a popular method with some and as my Ped said, "All parents have to do what is right for them and when they are ready to do it". In addition to the rituals and strict routines, I followed a modified version of the Ferber method. I started it on a Sunday with my Mother on the phone with me the entire 45 minutes for each nap. We did our ritual, I put her in the crib drowsy but awake as every book will tell you, baby mozart playing in the background, kissed her, told her Mommy loves you, you're safe and left the room. She screamed before I closed the door. Sat outside the door and watched the clock for 3 mins, drop the phone outside the door and back in....rub the back, kiss the forehead, Mommy loves you, you're safe, screaming, leave....and all over again. About 20mins into this I came out, picked up the phone to hear my Mother laughing, "gotta give the kid credit, she knows what she wants! It will serve her well later in life". At that moment I decided to adopt the attitude - she is not hurt, I am not neglecting her, sleeping is critical to her development and really - she is just pissed!! A flash of 3 years from now passed before my eyes of being in Target and her having a temper tantrum because I wasn't getting her the toy she wanted. Hummmmm, this is as good a time as any for her to learn bad behavior will get her nowhere. I quickly went to 5 mins and stayed at 5 mins for all of Sunday. That was a LONG night! I extended to 10 minutes on Monday and stayed there for a few days. On about the 6th day, I extended to 15 mins but by then I already had to go in less and less. She was learning to calm herself and get herself to sleep. By the 9th day, the screaming stopped by the time I walked down the stairs and she was sleeping through the night from 7:15pm-6:30am. It was a miracle. She is a happier baby and I am a deliriously happy Mama! Truly, she is a different baby. She laughs more. She's busier. Just happier. A friend of mine asked if I wished I had done this earlier and honestly I wouldn't have been able to follow through any earlier. The key is consistency. Any earlier I would have caved. This definitely isn't for everyone. It just worked for us.
So now week 13, life is beginning to get into a groove. Can't say normal because we are creating a whole new normal. I am very fortunate to have a wonderful full time Nanny that Maya loves. After being gone for so long, I am re-building my business and it is picking up. I give thanks every day for Maya, the love of my life. For my family and friends, and for the amazing people at CAI that made this happen. For all of the families in process reading this, Congratulations! If I can help in any way - as so many have helped me - I would be honored.
